Have you ever been on the brink of something that you can almost taste the reward? Then boom anxiety, doubt, pressure, and gloom pops up like “Hey Boo! How you doing?” Yup here I am out here blocking my own blessings while looking crazy in the process. Like isn’t this what you asked for? Well rather prayed for? Yes it sure is but I’m not sure how to proceed with the gift that was given to me. I want to be reckless and throw caution to the wind and fully indulge in what has been presented to me. I want to jump on the first train to success with little to no thought at all. But I hear a little voice say “WAIT! What I have for you is not ready yet” and just like that I’m reminded why it is important to wait.
I remember that Satan is tricky and a whole heap of trifling. Lucifer can sometimes deliver things in the form of a blessing as well. Take a minute stop and reread that last line once again. Sometimes the devil will take what you desire most and wrap that turmoil and dysfunction up so pretty that it can quickly be mistaken for a blessing. Like who but Satan can make pain look identical to a blessing. The problem with him and his trickery is you wont be able to be recognized until it is to late.
Being a woman who is no stranger to his tricks and who has definitely been on a journey because of these tricks I understand the pain wrapped inside of them. I’m stating blatantly the journey was not a pretty one. I’ve hit rock bottom once or twice in my life chasing disguised blessings. I won’t lie and say that the journey wasn’t fun because in most cases it was indeed fun. But that hellish aftermath. Oh my Lord was it awful. Liquor nor tears could repair that heartache. I mean not that liquor was my vice. It’s just a colloquialism of sorts. But you catch my drift. NOTHING I tried would get me through it. Probably because the prayers was being answered it just wasn’t an answer I wanted to hear.
In order to get over this huddle I at first needed to reevaluate the desires of my heart and see where I could find my very own fault in the mist of that storm. You see if I wasn’t open to self-doubt/insecurity, vulnerability, and fear, I wouldn’t have been where I once was. The devils job wasn’t to bring me peace and happiness, no it was quite the opposite the more miserable I was the happier he then became. His job was to assure that I was freefalling willingly in the his home of doom. Once you open your spirit up to ugliness and gloom there the would dwell and make a chaotic home. You only had two options fix the negative connotations of your desire or allow the devil to fester and make you miserable. You have to allow the will of God to move throughout your life and manifest the beautiful blessings. You have to get out of your own way and put in work to rejoice in your blessings. “Faith without work is dead”
I said all of this to say, take a minute and breathe! Don’t rush into anything. Take a minute and discern if this blessing was ordained by God himself. What’s meant for you will always be yours. Your name was written on your blessings before you even knew who you were. Don’t be so thirsty to latch on to what was never yours to begin with.
Until next time dreamers! Peace & Blessings,
Continue reading “Take a minute woman and BREATHE!!!”
One day I will become consistent with visiting you at least weekly. I know I know I say this often but I honestly mean it. I guess with 2017 out-of-the-way I can focus more. (focus… hmmm that word is subjective) It’s rather cliché of me to say but it was one of the BEST/WORST years of my life. The best as in I truly discovered and grew to love me on a level that I’m still not able to comprehend. Do I still have moments when I am not my best self? Oh hell yes! ALL THE FREAKING TIME! I’m a hot mess of dramatic proportion and typically that’s ok because my heart is big and always in the right place. Which is why often I’m following it. My passion is homed there.
Passion…. The word that leads me to the worst. I lost two people in my life that in my childlike fantasy thought would always be around. My father and an uncle. I was weighed down by hurt and guilt. Do you know how heavy of a chore that is to carry around? I was spiraling and honestly I may very well be. Who truly knows for sure? I was walking around with functioning depression. There were times when I felt lower than low. I would smile to the world and go home and silently cry. I did not enjoy what I saw in the mirror. I’m not speaking in terms of appearance I’m talking about my soul. That mess stunk! Guilt about calls going unanswered. Guilt about not softening my heart and realizing that people are HUMAN and sometimes they just don’t get it right. Guilt about my dramatic ass responses (ok I tried not to curse. Oh fudge drops a $20 in my son’s curse jar. I’m sure it’s more to come). Guilt about working a job that I was growing to hate (like I literally would have to force myself out of bed.) Guilt about closing myself off from the world to deal with my mess. Guilt about not letting some people go. Guilt about not ALWAYS being the best person to co-parent with. Guilt about being an empath who takes on feelings in a way that was harmful to self. Guilt about not following my heart and using my gift of writing and sharing it with the world. Guilt about letting my fear hold me hostage. Hell I was drowning in GUILT. Guilt that was making me angry.
Dealing with all of that didn’t allow me to truly dwell in my best. I grew. Yes this little spitfire of emotions grew. I started to do more of the things that made me happy. I wrote A LOT… One being a book. (What? My inconsistent ass wrote a book?) Doesn’t have a release date or even a publisher as of yet but I did that. I walked away from a job. Now that was hard. I’m sure there will be some struggles. But the headaches I was having constantly are gone. I started to work as a team to co-parent my son in the best manner we could as adults. Do we still argue HELL TO THE YES! It’s our thing I guess true fire signs! But it’s like we both get it this isn’t about us anymore. We had our time in the sun and unfortunately we didn’t work, but we did produce greatness in our sonshine! (Boom! look at me adulting and stuff) We’ve forged sort of a friendship. Let me not speak so soon and curse it. (God bless it I was so close to being good). My best friend since I was ten years old grew into a more loving place. She gets me and calls me out on my shit when no one else would. My Jilly is clutch, get you one. She sparked the fire that allowed me to follow my dreams.
Which leads me to 2018…. The year that I have deemed the year of manifestations. I have written a plan that I will push through and get things popping. (corny? ok whatever you laughed). My happiness is at the forefront of it all. I will stop being so overtly critical of myself. I’m good at writing, I’m good at loving, I’m good at being unapologetically me. I’m going to travel MORE, read MORE, love MORE. I’m going to be selfish sometimes, hell my success depends on it. Following my dream this year won’t be easy but I’m sure this ride will teach me things a book can’t. My family will see me more, I will not decline invitations. (OK let the record state I mean NON-IDIOTIC invites. I say that with love and shit too. lol) I will utilized my blog more. I will be approachable. Who knows I may even open myself up to dating (Don’t count on that being true just yet lol) I will ultimately be the peace I speak of daily. I won’t let others opinions of me change my opinion of me. I will try and fail often if for nothing other than the story I will be able to tell.
To the people who support and believe in me. THANKS for rocking with me! To those who don’t thank you as well, it won’t be long until I win you over. 2018 we are JUST getting started and so far you are proving to be rewarding.
Until next week Dreamers
Peace and Blessings,
Hey Dreamers! 👋👋
Soooo… Let me clear my head on somethings before I have to tap out. Let me kick some truth in what my heart feels and the reality of what I felt about the two I feel I let get away. Bare with me as I pour my heart out to y’all. (With no shame lol)
First there was my angel. I just knew I could love you. You came bouncing literally into my world with a gorgeous smile and a personality so sweet and so genuine. Lawd! I’m sure that was my weakness. Like your soul was EVERYTHING! You were me in male form. We bonded over books, children, and a love of God. I wanted you but still wanted to keep you at arm’s length. Our heart breaks similar but yet still different. You held on and reached out in times you had no idea how just hearing your voice or reading a text message would fill me we with enough strength to get me through my days. But still I pushed. I was my own worst enemy when it came to you. Although I let my own insecurities get it the way and cause me to miss out on something that was potentially great, I’m glad I did it. Because in my brokenness I stood to break a great man who would’ve never recovered from the heartbreak I would’ve caused. Never once did we swap souls and you respected the reasons behind it. It was almost biblical how paitent you were. Although I miss the us that never came to be I thank you and hope that you are getting all the love I was too selfish to share. I miss you King!
Then there was my rebel. The devil himself in a business suit and arrogant to boot. You were there when I needed you always eager to listen piercing my heart and my last nerve. You gave me a reason to smile but you also gave me many reasons to flee. Oh did you make me cry with your arrogant ass mouth. It was often discussed how your heart was not your own and how mine wasn’t necessarily available either. But it was you so I was with it. We were each other’s forbidden fruit beautiful enough to hide the toxins we were carrying with other people’s shit. So many false starts with not enough gas to make it past the finish line. But still I miss you. You filled a void that has now been vacant ever since. Two beautifully broken people who grew together in tragedy. Changing each other’s views and giving each other the blues. We were each others best kept secret, staying ducked off in a land of fantasy and bullshit. You pushed for something to last a while, but my soul wasn’t receptive of it. I couldn’t handle another soul tie to save my life. You fell for the innocence of me and I fell for your potential. We were two broken people attempting to fill a void in what we thought we were missing. But still no matter where we left off you were clutch and I miss your nerdy eccentric ass. My broken king.
I realized by losing the two of you each in different time frames that I was really needing to find me. I was searching and running from my own heart coincidentally and simultaneously at the same time. I couldn’t put my finger on it then but now I know what I needed to do for me. I found my heart deep down buried in a broken place and I knew in order for me to move on in peace that I had to find and define me. The more I started to love me, I was able to define where I went wrong. I was able to identify the reasons I pushed you all away. I’m ok now and actually focusing on being the love that I aspire to have. You two were worthy but God just didn’t see fit. Now that I’m standing firm in who I am maybe just maybe this third time will be a charm. I’m vowing to love the next worthy man from the soul out. I’ve learned it is easy to capture the heart but the soul… Good Lawd the soul is the hardest to obtain, but once captured it’s yours forever.😘
Peace and Blessings,
Today my heart feels heavy. I have no real rhyme or reason why, it’s just one of those things I’ve learned to cope and deal with I guess. I’m empty, I’m numb, I’m ultimately stagnant. I try to think back on a time when things were there in my face & in bold print giving me direction & I draw a blank. The more I think on it the more I realize I sat and I waited for years. Watching the seasons change. Changing my hair. Burying myself in pity. Feeling the tears fall, my heart crumbling like there was a crack in the infrastructure. My meekness consumed me, my shyness a mystery. I buried the feelings I so desperately needed to get out. But still I must ask myself is this still a viable reason to cry? I wasted good vagina years on waiting on signs that this is truly what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Like in my twenties wasn’t I supposed to have a heavy ho-tation? Of that I’m still unsure because even then I was very anti-hocial. I think I’ve tried everything to shake these feelings only to realize NOTHING is working. Maybe I need to put a pause on pretending I’m ok and actually focus on being ok. I guess that’s a step in the right direction. But stepping in the right direction and actually feeling better are two totally different things. I know laying up under some hard legs or drowning in a bottle isn’t the answer so what is?
Peace and Blessings,
Sometimes I surprise myself with the fluidity of the thoughts that flow from my psyche & makes it to paper. I’ve been dreaming of the place I was in last year & that shit was DRAINING. Like I was legit losing my mind, lashing out at everything and everyone around me. One would assume I’ve healed & in many senses of the word I have. Well sort of… It’s still that pestering issue that won’t go away. The longing, the promises, the hope, the well EVERYTHING! I’m weird I own that but what I can’t turn down (although I wish I could) is the way I’m wired & my quest for true closure. Meh I’ll never get that so I guess I must purge the thoughts and all of the memories good, bad, or indifferent just to get to a place that is completely healthy. Carrying the need for closure on a dead issue is heavy. Goes to show even when you’re in a place where you’ve told yourself and others forgiveness was given, you must own that feeling & move past it. Ick it sucks feeling this way. One day I hope I get to a place where all is forgiven & I’m truly open to something new.
Peace and Blessings,
Today’s post is something I’ve struggled with writing. Struggle as in not wanting to let this content hit the light of day. But I’ve ultimately decided to share regardless of the backlash I may receive. I’ve decided that my feelings toward this topic whether right or wrong are my feelings and it just may help the next dreamer. So let’s get to it.
Trust may only be a 5 letter word, but it’s packed with so much power and has a lot of meaning behind it. Once lost its hard as hell to recreate that bond that was once always there. There will forever be a question of what’s next or shall I dare to say how will you hurt me next? In terms of me, I’m finding it harder and harder to trust myself and my feelings with just anyone. Once my trust in you has wavered there is no coming back. That portion of our life dwindled just as surely as my heart broke and the first tear fell. Most call it holding a grudge, I honestly prefer protecting my heart. Not everyone will care for your heart in the manner in which they would care for their own, but that’s neither here nor there let’s get back to the topic at hand.
I tried to put into words what a breach of trust feels like. But I couldn’t conjure up the words that would paint the reality of how it makes me feel. It ultimately bowls down to security and stability. If I don’t feel stable or lack that security I flee and move to the next station of what I find conducive to the peace I try to speak on daily. Sometimes closure isn’t needed to bring you that peace. Root removal is. By removing the root you’re eliminating the source of pain and not allowing its toxic vibe to infect other areas of your life.
What I’ve truly learned is that people are only able to break you when you allow them to do so. Am I blaming you for their transgressions? No! Am I saying close your heart off? No. Should you give up a life of being vulnerable for the sake of not being hurt? Hmmm hardly. All I’m saying is shield your heart. Find that balance between love of self and love of the world and it’s people to nurture your own heart. I look back on 2 Timothy 1:7 in times I feel I need to recenter myself. It reads “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline”
In this journey of self discovery I’ve learned that hurt is inevitable, but continuing to go down the path of hurt or carrying that hurt with you isn’t conducive to taking care of you. Grow from your breach of trust and don’t allow it to change you. Let go of the pain and continue to follow your God given light. The actions of others shouldn’t hinder you, you’ll often find they are continuing to live their life while you’re trapped in self purgatory.
Dreamers, trust in yourself and don’t let your faith in people change based in one person. Create the Light. Be the Light. Breath the light. Nurture the Light. & Live life in the Light. I promise you won’t regret it.
Peace & Blessing,
There is a lot I would like to tell you, but at 5 years old I doubt you’d grasp the depth of these gems I’m throwing your way. It is my hope that someday you can understand that the best gift I’ve ever received in life is you. You son are what I prayed for. You are what I carried with joy. You are what gave my life brand new meaning. In your 5 young years I’ve drawn my strength from you. It amazes me to no end how through pain and illnesses you are strong and your infectious personality still shines. Don’t ever lose that, your heart is what I love most about you. If I can offer you any advice from my 30 years of living it would be the following:
Travel the world, earn your degree follow what makes your heart sing. Know that depression is a real thing and it can happen to anyone even you. There is no harm in talking with someone. It’s rare for an African-American male to do so, but as your mother I want you to know that it’s ok. Don’t let the stigma of what is right keep you from living your life. Just remember your morals and you will do just fine in this world. Always ALWAYS remember to wear your heart condom. Many people will not have your best interest at heart. Don’t let anyone define who you are , don’t let a label define you. Don’t remain stagnant, push yourself to the next level. Don’t see the word no and take it as a finality of a situation. Unless it comes from a woman then that no is a hard no. As I’ve always taught you respect not only your body but a woman’s body as well. Always talk to me I may not be able to help you with all situations but I can promise you that I will work with you to figure it out. If something is toxic cut it off at the root and never look back. Know that you don’t have to live out the life I have envisioned for you, you are your own man. Seek out adventures. Form a relationship of your own choosing with your paternal family I will not stand in your way but I will protect your heart. I can’t fix every broken heart but I will try to ease the pain (again son wear your heart condom) Although I love you I won’t pacify you in your wrongs. I won’t tolerate you juggling an abundance of women. I won’t stand behind you in the abuse of self or others. Understand hurting others will never bring joy into your life. Catch this gem baby you can always about heal the heart by nurturing the soul. Understand that everyone has their preferences and love is ultimately love, but don’t fix your mouth to down a black woman. You came from one and a strong one at that. Build your black women up and show her she is safe with you. Don’t create babies you have no intentions of taking care of. Don’t be irresponsible with your body. You only get one and its your temple. Take care of it. Build and maintain a good credit score. Yes those shoes are nice but does it build capital? Can your future children profit from It? Freddie Grey, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin, Renisha McBride, Jordan Davis, John Crawford, Walter Scott, the bible study group at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina and the list continues to grow <– Those beautiful people could all be you. As much as I’d like to say America is progressive in race relations, I still will have fear every time you are to walk out my door. I don’t want to know what it’s like to live without you and not get the justice you would deserve. Monetary value won’t ever replace you. Always be respectful, remain gracious, and work twice as hard as the man or woman next to you. But in all of that keep your black boy joy. I’m sure I will add more to this as you continue to grow, but know that above all else Mommy loves you to the high heavens and nothing will EVER change that. Shoot the moon Son shoot the moon.
Peace and Blessings,