Thoughtful Thursday: The one that got away

Hey Dreamers! 👋👋
Soooo… Let me clear my head on somethings before I have to tap out. Let me kick some truth in what my heart feels and the reality of what I felt about the two I feel I let get away.  Bare with me as I pour my heart out to y’all. (With no shame lol)
First there was my angel. I just knew I could love you. You came bouncing literally into my world with a gorgeous smile and a personality so sweet and so genuine. Lawd! I’m sure that was my weakness. Like your soul was EVERYTHING! You were me in male form. We bonded over books, children, and a love of God. I wanted you but still wanted to keep you at arm’s length. Our heart breaks similar but yet still different. You held on and reached out in times you had no idea how just hearing your voice or reading a text message would fill me we with enough strength to get me through my days. But still I pushed. I was my own worst enemy when it came to you. Although I let my own insecurities get it the way and cause me to miss out on something that was potentially great, I’m glad I did it. Because in my brokenness I stood to break a great man who would’ve never recovered from the heartbreak I would’ve caused. Never once did we swap souls and you respected the reasons behind it. It was almost biblical how paitent you were. Although I miss the us that never came to be I thank you and hope that you are getting all the love I was too selfish to share. I miss you King!

Then there was my rebel. The devil himself in a business suit and arrogant to boot. You were there when I needed you always eager to listen piercing my heart and my last nerve. You gave me a reason to smile but you also gave me many reasons to flee. Oh did you make me cry with your arrogant ass mouth. It was often discussed how your heart was not your own and how mine wasn’t necessarily available either. But it was you so I was with it. We were each other’s forbidden fruit beautiful enough to hide the toxins we were carrying with other people’s shit. So many false starts with not enough gas to make it past the finish line. But still I miss you. You filled a void that has now been vacant ever since. Two beautifully broken people who grew together in tragedy. Changing each other’s views and giving each other the blues. We were each others best kept secret, staying ducked off in a land of fantasy and bullshit. You pushed for something to last a while, but my soul wasn’t receptive of it. I couldn’t handle another soul tie to save my life. You fell for the innocence of me and I fell for your potential. We were two broken people attempting to fill a void in what we thought we were missing. But still no matter where we left off you were clutch and I miss your nerdy eccentric ass. My broken king.
I realized by losing the two of you each in different time frames that I was really needing to find me. I was searching and running from my own heart coincidentally and simultaneously at the same time. I couldn’t put my finger on it then but now I know what I needed to do for me. I found my heart deep down buried in a broken place and I knew in order for me to move on in peace that I had to find and define me. The more I started to love me, I was able to define where I went wrong. I was able to identify the reasons I pushed you all away. I’m ok now and actually focusing on being the love that I aspire to have. You two were worthy but God just didn’t see fit. Now that I’m standing firm in who I am maybe just maybe this third time will be a charm. I’m vowing to love the next worthy man from the soul out. I’ve learned it is easy to capture the heart but the soul… Good Lawd the soul is the hardest to obtain, but once captured it’s yours forever.😘
Peace and Blessings,
BB 🐝👑🌻

Tuesday Tantrum

Hey Dreamers!

Today my heart feels heavy. I have no real rhyme or reason why, it’s just one of those things I’ve learned to cope and deal with I guess. I’m empty, I’m numb, I’m ultimately stagnant. I try to think back on a time when things were there in my face & in bold print giving me direction & I draw a blank. The more I think on it the more I realize I sat and I waited for years. Watching the seasons change. Changing my hair. Burying myself in pity. Feeling the tears fall, my heart crumbling like there was a crack in the infrastructure. My meekness consumed me, my shyness a mystery. I buried the feelings I so desperately needed to get out. But still I must ask myself is this still a viable reason to cry? I wasted good vagina years on waiting on signs that this is truly what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Like in my twenties wasn’t I supposed to have a heavy ho-tation? Of that I’m still unsure because even then I was very anti-hocial. I think I’ve tried everything to shake these feelings only to realize NOTHING is working. Maybe I need to put a pause on pretending I’m ok and actually focus on being ok. I guess that’s a step in the right direction. But stepping in the right direction and actually feeling better are two totally different things. I know laying up under some hard legs or drowning in a bottle isn’t the answer so what is?

Peace and Blessings,

BB🐝👑🌻

The issues with trust

​Hello Dreamers,

Today’s post is something I’ve struggled with writing. Struggle as in not wanting to let this content hit the light of day. But I’ve ultimately decided to share regardless of the backlash I may receive. I’ve decided that my feelings toward this topic whether right or wrong are my feelings and it just may help the next dreamer. So let’s get to it.

Trust may only be a 5 letter word, but it’s packed with so much power and has a lot of meaning behind it. Once lost its hard as hell to recreate that bond that was once always there. There will forever be a question of what’s next or shall I dare to say how will you hurt me next? In terms of me, I’m finding it harder and harder to trust myself and my feelings with just anyone. Once my trust in you has wavered there is no coming back. That portion of our life dwindled just as surely as my heart broke and the first tear fell.  Most call it holding a grudge, I honestly prefer protecting my heart. Not everyone will care for your heart in the manner in which they would care for their own, but that’s neither here nor there let’s get back to the topic at hand.

I tried to put into words what a breach of trust feels like. But I couldn’t conjure up the words that would paint the reality of how it makes me feel. It ultimately bowls down to security and stability. If I don’t feel stable or lack that security I flee and move to the next station of what I find conducive to the peace I try to speak on daily. Sometimes closure isn’t needed to bring you that peace. Root removal is. By removing the root you’re eliminating the source of pain and not allowing its toxic vibe to infect other areas of  your life.

What I’ve truly learned is that people are only able to break you when you allow them to do so. Am I blaming you for  their transgressions? No! Am I saying close your heart off? No. Should you give up a life of being vulnerable for the sake of not being hurt? Hmmm hardly. All I’m saying is shield your heart. Find that balance between love of self and love of the world and it’s people to nurture your own heart. I look back on 2 Timothy 1:7 in times I feel I need to recenter myself. It reads “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline”

In this journey of self discovery I’ve learned that hurt is inevitable, but continuing to go down the path of hurt or carrying that hurt with you isn’t conducive to taking care of you. Grow from your breach of trust and don’t allow it to change you. Let go of the pain and continue to follow your God given light. The actions of others shouldn’t hinder you, you’ll often find they are continuing to live their life while you’re trapped in self purgatory.

Dreamers, trust in yourself and don’t let your faith in people change based in one person. Create the Light. Be the Light. Breath the light. Nurture the Light. & Live life in the Light. I promise you won’t regret it.

Peace & Blessing,

BB 😘

A letter to my African-American son

Hello Son,
There is a lot I would like to tell you, but at 5 years old I doubt you’d grasp the depth of these gems I’m throwing your way. It is my hope that someday you can understand that the best gift I’ve ever received in life is you. You son are what I prayed for. You are what I carried with joy. You are what gave my life brand new meaning. In your 5 young years I’ve drawn my strength from you.  It amazes me to no end how through pain and illnesses you are strong and your infectious personality still shines. Don’t ever lose that, your heart is what I love most about you. If I can offer you any advice from my 30 years of living it would be the following:

Travel the world, earn your degree follow what makes your heart sing. Know that depression is a real thing and it can happen to anyone even you. There is no harm in talking with someone. It’s rare for an African-American male to do so, but as your mother I want you to know that it’s ok. Don’t let the stigma of what is right keep you from living your life. Just remember your morals and you will do just fine in this world. Always ALWAYS remember to wear your heart condom. Many people will not have your best interest at heart. Don’t let anyone define who you are , don’t let a label define you.   Don’t remain stagnant,  push yourself to the next level. Don’t see the word no and take it as a finality of a situation. Unless it comes from a woman then that no is a hard no. As I’ve always taught you respect not only your body but a woman’s body as well. Always talk to me I may not be able to help you with all situations but I can promise you that I will work with you to figure it out. If something is toxic cut it off at the root and never look back. Know that you don’t have to live out the life I have envisioned for you, you are your own man. Seek out adventures. Form a relationship of your own choosing with your paternal family I will not stand in your way but I will protect your heart. I can’t fix every broken heart but I will try to ease the pain (again son wear your heart condom) Although I love you I won’t pacify you in your wrongs. I won’t tolerate you juggling an abundance of women. I won’t stand behind you in the abuse of self or others. Understand hurting others will never bring joy into your life. Catch this gem baby you can always about heal the heart by nurturing the soul. Understand that everyone has their preferences and love is ultimately love, but don’t fix your mouth to down a black woman. You came from one and a strong one at that. Build your black women up and show her she is safe with you. Don’t create babies you have no intentions of taking care of. Don’t be irresponsible with your body. You only get one and its your temple. Take care of it. Build and maintain a good credit score. Yes those shoes are nice but does it build capital? Can your future children profit from It? Freddie Grey, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Trayvon Martin, Renisha McBride, Jordan Davis, John Crawford, Walter Scott, the bible study group at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina and the list continues to grow <– Those beautiful people could all be you. As much as I’d like to say America is progressive in race relations, I still will have fear every time you are to walk out my door. I don’t want to know what it’s like to live without you and not get the justice you would deserve. Monetary value won’t ever replace you. Always be respectful, remain gracious, and work twice as hard as the man or woman next to you. But in all of that keep your black boy joy.  I’m sure I will add more to this as you continue to grow, but know that above all else Mommy loves you to the high heavens and nothing will EVER change that. Shoot the moon Son shoot the moon.

Peace and Blessings,

Mommy 😘

Oh Hello June

Hello Dreamers,

It has been a while. I can’t say much has really changed since the last time I sat down to speak with you. But that I can say is that I’ve decided to be open to all possibilities and learn the power in saying yes and living my life.

This year I made a vow to myself that at every given opprotunity I would say yes. Yes, to adventures. Yes, to hanging out more. Yes, to moving on. & Yes, to loving me more. Problem is I find more solace with my nose in a book than I do in the thoughts of being rejected.

As with everything in this world everyone is use to Jiffy EVERYTHING. Jiffy as in quick like the cornbread lol. Jiffy love, Jiffy relationships, Jiffy healing, & Jiffy blessings. I’m one of those people in most circumstances but when it comes to something long lasting I prefer to take my time like cornbread from scratch.

Sometimes I honestly feel as if I was born in the wrong generation. My heart is to pure and sensitive to put myself in situations where I know it’s destined to fail. I guess you can call it fear. It’s a crutch but one that I feel is needed. You can’t trust your vision or your love in the hands of someone who doesn’t cultivate, bring life, honor, or cherish it. I’d rather deal with my own soul and love than to have some else abuse it. Been there done that and sold T-shirts too. Lol

My Goal for the remaining of 2017 and the hereafter: Adjust what you attract, be free, love more. I guess that’s the simple fix I need in order to not give up on what I am deeming the Jiffy Generation. Meh 💁

I’m just rambling. I need to stay on this task of blogging. I just need to find some inspiration. Until then I’ve missed you and promise to visit more often.

Peace and Blessings,

BB 🌻😘

I’m a Grown Woman, I can drink dark liquor now.

Hello Dreamers,

I’m 5 months into this journey of finding me and I must say its been an interesting journey. I’ve come to understand the inner and outer workings that make me uniquely me. I’ve learned that some days I’m a Carmel Chai Tea with a dab of honey and french vanilla creamer all complicated and deliciously good and others well I’m that Crown Royal Vanilla with a coke that I’ve developed an affinity for ,all strong, smooth, and no nonsense accepting. I’m never in between. Although I am those things I’ve come to understand that I’m a recovering people pleaser. Like I was literally out here trying to please the masses and they could careless about pleasing me.  Like I seriously had to gather my entire life and dismiss these thoughts of “I’m still struggling deep down to truly love this person and to make her loveable to people”

Like what in the hell was I thinking?! While out one night with my best friend, she said something to me that truly resonated with me and allowed me to see me & I mean truly see me outside of others “BB is so giving she would give even if she doesn’t have it. She’s always been that way.” Or something of the sort.  So I started thinking back on life. My degree, I got it to please my parents. My wedding, I let the masses run rampant I was just there (my do over oh you just wait lol), My marriage, the image portrayed of strong black love seemed to be more important than not realising we were both suffocating and I was being mocked and laughed at anyway. (You can’t be the only one married in a relationship Dreamers. 😘) I spent my 20’s not being care free and wild, oh let’s just say I was afraid of what the world would think. But no longer shall I live that life. I haven’t made a plan because let’s face it with me that shit will never make it onto a sheet of paper. I wing it for the most part lol.

In getting to know myself I’ve learned, I’m a modern day hippie. I’m a dreamer. I’m becoming more free spirited (Mama needs to live a little more). I’m a lover of arts. I am a grown woman, who has asserted herself in the knowledge of who and what she is. I’m not for everyone and I’m OK with that. Like 1 million percent ok with it. I’ve come to realize I have one life to live and it’s truly up to me to start enjoying everything life has to offer.  Long gone are the days of timid BB.

Dreamer’s maybe its the start of my love affair with whisky that has me feeling this way. Lol. But in all seriousness I’ve learned to just forget people and their opinions. Your life is designed uniquely for you. Those who love you will understand and those who don’t who cares what they think! They aren’t God, they are living and learning just like you. Unless they’ve personally been to heaven and even if they haven’t this is YOUR life, LIVE IT OUT LOUD. Enjoy your journey. Open your third eye, take that yoga class, burn that sage. Be you Baby you won’t regret it. 😘

Peace and Blessings.

BB 😘

Let Go

I hope she loves you
I pray she caters to your hopes
I long for her to magnify your dreams
I need the woman in her to speak to the man in you
Let her into your heart
Allow her to penetrate your soul
Taking you to a place I never could go
The potential I saw in you it is my desire that she digs up and nurture it
Let her speak life in to your world
I pray YOU are ready to receive what she has to offer
I generally hope you are no longer a taker but a giver as well
You see my love you can’t constantly take from a treasure and not check to see if the gold you once found is getting low
I long for you to find that there is more to life than just a pretty face and a wet yoni
Can’t you shake the thoughts of wanting to be deep within someone’s sea enough to want to explore and captivate one’s soul?
Kinda like what we shared for a moment in time
You had me hooked up on a feeling
Sinking on a soul tie of sorts
I want you and your love to stop haunting my dreams
I need for us to truly let go
Why should I battle with you in my dreams as well as my front door
I need for us to truly grow.
I long for us both to know there is a beauty in love
Safety in trust
Passion in giving
Hold up wait,
Wait a minute
You got me all in my feelings
But let’s roll with this shit
I hope you love her
I pray you don’t give up
I need for you to give her everything you couldn’t give me
I long for you to never give up
It’s one to many broken hearts in this world to add another to the list
Give her attention and love baby just be her drug
Be her strength
Lead her into her destiny
Take it from me that scandalous unrequited love that shit burns
Why do I even care
Seems as if by releasing you to her will get me out of my feelings
Cured of you
Free to feel
No longer numb
I ultimately hope we let Go

Peace and blessings

😘 BB

Homicidal Love

There is a struggle in loving you.

I’m not speaking on the beauty of love.

The oh my God there goes my baby kinda love.

The my word is my bond kinda love.

The this is a forever type of love.

The I trust you with my peace and light kinda love.

No baby I don’t get that type of love.

The struggle in loving you is

lies…

resentment…

Uncertainty…

emptiness…

soaking in regret…

My heart I can no longer neglect

The love I get is A thin line between love and hate kinda love.

A this motherfucker is psychotic type of love.

This bastard is gonna make me put my foot on his neck kinda love.

How could I have ever been so stupid kinda love.

My brain is all scattered no longer willing to explain the feelings I keep sheltered.

The silent battle I keep at bay.

It’s difficult to bury feelings when they all have names

Meghan,

Tiffany,

Cassandra,

& I’m sure there’s a couple of Quitta’s

Running off all of these names is damn sure reminiscent of DMX’s “What these bitches want”

Instead of fighting for what I know I deserve

Instead of putting my foot on your throat

I smile and bite my cheek

While continuing to crash waiting for the burn.

This motherfucker thinks I’m weak a hand game of sorts.

Baby boy better realize this round of spades is about to get his ass cut.

This shit’s getting to deep my emotions a literal bomb.

I sit…

I watch…

and I plot how to hit you where it burns…

I’m throwing a match

I’m igniting a flame hopefully you’ll regret the day you ever asked me my name.

There is no return from the scars you’ve cause.

There’s no evidence of the pain you’ve inflicted.

Those tears I’ve cried are only a fading memory.

I know exactly where to hit you, your weakness of course.

While you’re diving in that canal

I’m silently watching and waiting

I take a sip of my Henny

I swallow all my grief

Feet don’t fail me now

Courage don’t neglect me.

I hear you

I feel you

What part of that don’t you get

This is my moment

I know you’re vulnerable just like me

I watch you spill your seeds in a body that surely doesn’t matter.

I wonder if you both realize that I’ve entered the room

I smile as I aim and let off my rounds. 

2 to the heart and 1 to the brain.

The look on your face as your pleasure turned into pain

Will be one I cherish in honor of your name.

Maybe in your next life you’ll realize my love for you was never a game .

BB

 

Drifting

Drifting

Floating

Anxiety rising

Damn I wish these feelings would fade

How long have I been foolish

How often had I been blind

How long have I suppressed the pain

Empty

Why do I feel so drained

Numb

Incomplete

Drowning

Suffocating

I need to feel something other than rage

I need to breathe freely

I long for my heart to feel comfort

I’m praying for a clean heart and wild and free spirit

Reprieve

What did I do to deserve this

Loyalty has placed me in a permanent cell

Anger has become my blanket

Resentment has become my bed

I’m carrying this burden on my shoulders

Lord please help me to lighten my load

Can someone love me in this current state?

All broken and bruised

Can someone restore the light that was taken from me?

Does my frailness frighten you

Does this…

Me…

Pain…

Run you away?

Can you hear my uncertainty?

Can you smell my fear?

I promise it’s not on purpose it’s just my past kinda haunts me

Visions of him, visions of her, visions of them

Visions of him giving her everything I thought was reserved and belonging to me

Can you bring nourishment to my soul?

Do you care enough to smooth out my edges?

The dark , the ugly, and rough spots?

Come love the pain away

Come forth and make me whole

Speak to the woman in me and help me to grow

Caress my heart

Penetrate my soul

Speak to my spirit

Help me to draw my strength from you

Let me love you from my broken space I promise you won’t regret it

We can heal my broken heart and get to the best version of me

Can you see with your heart the beauty of loving me

My strength I’m convinced is God’s sacred gift

Come sail away with me

The promise of us is sweet

Casting away all fears and reservations

Just you and I

Drifting

Floating

Growing in love

BB

Copyright © 2017

Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited.

Chocolate Skin

I wonder if you feel me…

Watching

Wondering

Longing to hear your voice

To feel you

To taste you

Can you feel the pheromones I’m sending your way

What about the wavelengths I’m sending to have you look my way

Stolen glances, lashes fluttering, heart racing, hands sweaty

All from just the sight of YOU.

I know like hell there is no possible way you got me feeling this deep

On my own at that Unrequited lust is a motherfucker and that’s fact

Tell me you feel it baby, I need you to feel it boo.

Men of my past forgotten

Promises of forever fading

Hymen back in tact

Anxiety rising

Oh chocolate skin I want you

To taste you

To kiss you

To open my canal and bring life to the thought of us…

The absolute love of us

To let your knowledge pour into my soul

Making me melt

Turing me into complete putty under your lustful brow

Let me get my feel of you.

Oh chocolate skin you put me in the mind frame of Usher’s Tell me

Making me hot with a passion untamed

Making my canal cry

Causing a river to flow from her

Aching to connect with what is surely her missing piece

It has been so long since I’ve felt this way

Help me to explore the depths of me.

Oh how my lonely heart knows you are for sure my piece of peace

If only I can utter up the courage to step to you

My soul is calling out to you

Begging you to see me, to feel me, to seek me out

To allow me to be the Eve to your Adam

Before she bit that damn apple

It is my desire to be the rib you’ve always known you were missing

There is no possible way I was meant to exist without your presence

Let me awaken the man in you,

to caress your heart,

penetrate your mind

and invade your spirit with a love so deep

it’ll make God cry blissful tears.

Baby look my way and allow me to be solely yours

I promise you I’ll be worth it.

If only for one night let me give myself unto you.

To ease your mind making you realize all your life

It is I whom you’ve been missing.

Triggering a release

Making your toes curl

Connecting our souls bonding our hearts

And letting time sit still so you know

This right here is very fucking real

Oh chocolate skin your masculinity is calling out to the woman in me

Leading me into submission letting you take the lead role

The damn that’s my King role.

Fuck an independent woman when my Boaz

My Jacob

My Abraham

And my Joseph is on my threshold

Chocolate skin let me take you on a journey to a place only lovers know

Let me get you drunk on my love

Showing you I don’t know any way to shoot

But straight from the heart, from the soul

My love is pure , hard,  passionate, and unconditional

My cup overflows

I found inspiration in an unlikely place.

Its you chocolate skin

Oh how I crave you.

Just glance this way and I promise you won’t regret this.

Oh this shyness I feel I can’t seem to shake this even if it means

I have the chance to feel something real.

I found love and hope in a real pure serene place

And without a second glance I sat it back down and you…

You  simply walked away.

Now I’m just stuck here watching my sweet chocolate skin from a far.

😘 BB

Copyright 2017

Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited.